40 Days Under the Knife

So my fast ended this weekend and this is the 40 day fast blog. An overview of the thoughts, ideas, and workings of the last 40 days. God did a lot of challenging and growth work in my life this fast. Where as my lent fast was a showing of issues, this fast was a lifting of burdens and a deeper understanding of joy in Christ. There's a lot of cliche christian slang and terms that will be thrown around and already have and I'd be ashamed except it's all true and I'm not sure how else to express myself.

Day 1 started with a prayer that I wrote down. An underlying theme for where I wanted my life to go and go through for this fast.

"Father in heaven,

I seek you for the next 40 days. I ask that you'd reveal yourself to me in a fresh way. I seek you for wisdom and guidance in my life. I have lost the passion that once burned in my heart and I'm not sure where to go. I can't and don't want to do life without you. I invite you to come and challenge me and make my life uncomfortable. Break me and rebuild me. Show me the direction you want my life to go. Help me take steps in the right direction. I need you.

Your imperfect son"

Lesson learned; If you ask God for something, he'll answer.

I don't think that when I asked God to break me he would do it in such a large movement. Because break me he did. One night at home building a shelf and the next minute I'm on the floor crying the hardest I've probably ever cried. And the overall tone was just being tired and life as is. That things had come to a place on boring, lifeless relationship with God and I was just done with it. God has more in store for me and I was tired and not living up to my potential. I was completely disturb for about 2 weeks because I had no real idea about what prompted this outburst and complete discomfort and sense that something was wrong. And there were moments and even days where things felt good but overall I felt disturbed and I felt like my life was a failure. I spent a lot of time fighting against myself.

One verse changed this feeling. Matthew 11:28-30

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I spent a good hour in prayer the night I read this verse and I told God I was sick and tired of the life I was leading. That trying to live up to some man made standard wasn't working for me. I was tired of the bullshit and I just wanted to live in the love of God and my life move and flow and operate out of the love of God. And nothing else was going to matter. And I prayer for a freeing of my spirit, the whatever hold satan had on me, he would no longer have because Jesus had come and set me free and satan has been defeated. And I swear with all the honesty that is in me I literally felt my shoulders get lighter and warmth fill my heart and God whispered "Everything will be alright". And I spend the next 30 minutes laughing and crying and praising God. And yeah it sounds like some Sunday morning tv message but I swear it happened and life hasn't been the same since.

There was a lot God showed me. The passions he placed inside me hadn't gone away, I had just failed to see the situation and place that God had put me in. The opportunities were there and I had just failed to recognize and act. I think the way has shifted but not the idea and I see where God can take this and where it could go.

And lastly I think the point to live life with abandon and to the fullest was reitterated. Just enjoying life and having a good time and also not waiting till I'm where I think God wants me to be to do what he wants me to do. I think I spend far too much time worrying about my state of mind and less on how awesome God is and that it doesn't matter what shape I'm in, he can use me anyway. More times then not where I am is where he needs me to be. I'm also learning that it's not always how we handle or react to a certain situation/sin but how we come out of that and how we move forward.

I just feel free and I'm loving just being in love with God. Hopefully that shows a little more and hopefully I continue to grow in the right direction.

Pearl of Great Price

It always strikes me as amazing when something you've read in the bible a hundred finally hits you in a new way. Reading the sermon on the mount and it's incredible that the things Jesus says strike me as new concepts. And I think how I read things always has to do with where I am in life. I wouldn't say I'm looking for something new but a fresh perspective has been a prayer of mine and that's what I'm getting. The more and more I go through life the less and less concerned I am with doctrine and church philosophies and the more concerned I am with how the bible speaks to me and how it can apply to my life. The church has become less about worship and a sermon and more about the people and the purpose. Going to church is more about what I can do to help others then what can I get from church. My life is messed up and not perfect. It probably will never be. My thoughts on spirituality change and grow everyday. And the words of Jesus become really thought provoking and challenging to a lot of things I've known growing up or assumed. I always wonder what the church as a whole would be if we could learn to work together and live as Jesus talked about.

A quick thought

Lucky are thee who happen across this blog. 2 in one night. Not really looking for debate, more of just a thought on the words of Jesus and my lack to grasp it as right. Sometimes I wonder why the bible is written the way it is. Like there had to have been someone in the crowd asking Jesus questions as he spoke that's not written. Scripture can be so vague it can be frustrating. I was reading the Be attitudes in Matthew this evening and came across the little blurb on divorce and the last verse stuck out at me as something very overlooked. I make no secret that I always take the words of Jesus has the basis for my thoughts on how to live my life and everything starts with the Gospels for me.

So Matthew 5:32 says "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

I believe Paul comments on the matter in a similar matter. It's one of those verses that never gets talked about and it strikes me every time I read this verse. Is it wrong for my girlfriend's mom to be married again? Is it wrong for my good friend's dad to be married again? Not to say they shouldn't be allowed the chance to be happy to be married again but is it wrong? What was Jesus saying? It's just a verse that always strikes loudly with me and really makes me think.

World Wide Waste of Time

So my last post was my 100th post. I guess I could've made a comment about it but does it really matter?

So just as I started posting again I'm going to stop. At least for 40 days. As I was driving home from work, talking to Carley about fasting and trying to decide what to fast it hit me like a 100 pound sack. Starting on Monday I'm fasting my home computer. I waste far too much time on the internet at home after work. Mostly downloading music or just looking up useless crap. My time on the internet could be spent in a thousand more productive ways. I'll still be on the computer at work and checking my e-mail there but not at home. I need to use the time I have at night to spend with God. More so then I have been lately. It's sad. I'm looking for God to really re-spark a passion in my life for him and the things he's placed on my heart.

I'll keep posting through Sunday. I'm going to keep a notebook of my thoughts and ideas as I go through this fast (as I won't be using my computer for keep such thoughts). I'm really excited to see what God does through this fast.

It's 90 degrees, 100% humidity, typical summer in DC and I go jogging for an hour

Not sleeping real well lately. It sucks. Plus deciding it's time to lay off the coffee when you're not sleeping... sounds like a terrible idea. I made it through today and I know I'll be good till Thursday. Friday is a whole new ball game and I hope I can last that long. Usually I don't so my hopes aren't high. Coffee is a great thing that doesn't really help me wake up (thus the cup after cup consumption) but I always feel better when drinking coffee. But I'm drinking way too much again and so to help cut back I need to cut it out of a while. Updates to follow.

I'm not a huge summer fan. And everyone says the same thing, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity". And it's true. The heat with the breeze wouldn't suck. But feeling the air as you walk outside... it's a total killer of great days. I'm thinking because the trip to the zoo was botched 2 weeks ago I should try again this Friday. I'm keeping a close eye on the weather. Even in shorts I sweat a lot and I will just complain in the heat and humidity with the smell of monkey poo in the air. It will not be a good day. Maybe I can handle a briefer time out doors hitting up some mini golf and then finding a bowling alley with ac. Yeah....

BTW, go see Hell Boy 2 this weekend. It's going to kick ass.

Rite of Spring

I've been writing far too little lately. Part of that I'll blame on moving and transitioning, but mostly it's me being lazy and not taking the time to write. Or if I do I feel like there's nothing to write and thus don't.

Another fourth of July has come and gone and another year not going to see fireworks. But there was Wii Bowling, fire crackers on the front porch, steak, and cheesecake, so who really can complain?

I've been contemplating a 40 day fast. I haven't decided what to fast yet but my lent fast was a really good time for me and there was a lot of growth moments and now I just really need God to speak into my life and show me where I need to go next. There's a lot of stalled ideas and passions in me that need direction, redirection, or a renewed purpose and fire. Jeremiah 29:11-13 has been such a strong verse in my mind and has been brought to my attention of numerous occasions.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

God has given me visions and passions for a reason and to let the sit and fade away is not what I intend to do with them. I really take my fast seriously and I'm not going to fast something to give something up. I fast media in my car and used that time to pray. I want to fast something to be replaced with me seeking God. Not giving something up to give something up. I really need to reconnect with my passion and with my God. My spiritual life can be too up and down and that inconsistency shows far too often. I wish I were more in tune with the things of God then I am. I want to be in the will of God and most days I couldn't feel farther.

For those wondering, no the title of this blog has nothing to do with DC punk rock and everything to do with classical music. Currently listening to Igor Stravinsky "Rite of Spring"

I hadn't realized it had been so long since I had written until my girlfriend had said something to me. I'm not sure where to start or what to write about. Life is kind of a crazy mix bag of all sorts of stuff. Mostly all for the good. I've been dating a wonderful girl who lifts my spirit and keeps me smiling. The want to change and be better for someone else is a first for me. It's been awesome and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I'm really just enjoying life. Spending a lot of nights seeing live music. Doing things I haven't done in years (ice skating, the zoo). Just enjoying myself. Life is too short to not enjoy yourself. It's nearly July. Crazy!

I've really started getting back into Comic Books. I'm digging the summer movie season (as I do every year). Really looking forward to Wall-E on Friday and I'm super excited for both Hell Boy 2 and The Dark Knight. Loving the comic book movies this year. Nothing will probably top Iron Man but still digging what we got.

I wish I had something more inspiring the say but I don't. So here's some MxPx