Sunday, August 24, 2008

40 Days Under the Knife

So my fast ended this weekend and this is the 40 day fast blog. An overview of the thoughts, ideas, and workings of the last 40 days. God did a lot of challenging and growth work in my life this fast. Where as my lent fast was a showing of issues, this fast was a lifting of burdens and a deeper understanding of joy in Christ. There's a lot of cliche christian slang and terms that will be thrown around and already have and I'd be ashamed except it's all true and I'm not sure how else to express myself.

Day 1 started with a prayer that I wrote down. An underlying theme for where I wanted my life to go and go through for this fast.

"Father in heaven,

I seek you for the next 40 days. I ask that you'd reveal yourself to me in a fresh way. I seek you for wisdom and guidance in my life. I have lost the passion that once burned in my heart and I'm not sure where to go. I can't and don't want to do life without you. I invite you to come and challenge me and make my life uncomfortable. Break me and rebuild me. Show me the direction you want my life to go. Help me take steps in the right direction. I need you.

Your imperfect son"

Lesson learned; If you ask God for something, he'll answer.

I don't think that when I asked God to break me he would do it in such a large movement. Because break me he did. One night at home building a shelf and the next minute I'm on the floor crying the hardest I've probably ever cried. And the overall tone was just being tired and life as is. That things had come to a place on boring, lifeless relationship with God and I was just done with it. God has more in store for me and I was tired and not living up to my potential. I was completely disturb for about 2 weeks because I had no real idea about what prompted this outburst and complete discomfort and sense that something was wrong. And there were moments and even days where things felt good but overall I felt disturbed and I felt like my life was a failure. I spent a lot of time fighting against myself.

One verse changed this feeling. Matthew 11:28-30

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

I spent a good hour in prayer the night I read this verse and I told God I was sick and tired of the life I was leading. That trying to live up to some man made standard wasn't working for me. I was tired of the bullshit and I just wanted to live in the love of God and my life move and flow and operate out of the love of God. And nothing else was going to matter. And I prayer for a freeing of my spirit, the whatever hold satan had on me, he would no longer have because Jesus had come and set me free and satan has been defeated. And I swear with all the honesty that is in me I literally felt my shoulders get lighter and warmth fill my heart and God whispered "Everything will be alright". And I spend the next 30 minutes laughing and crying and praising God. And yeah it sounds like some Sunday morning tv message but I swear it happened and life hasn't been the same since.

There was a lot God showed me. The passions he placed inside me hadn't gone away, I had just failed to see the situation and place that God had put me in. The opportunities were there and I had just failed to recognize and act. I think the way has shifted but not the idea and I see where God can take this and where it could go.

And lastly I think the point to live life with abandon and to the fullest was reitterated. Just enjoying life and having a good time and also not waiting till I'm where I think God wants me to be to do what he wants me to do. I think I spend far too much time worrying about my state of mind and less on how awesome God is and that it doesn't matter what shape I'm in, he can use me anyway. More times then not where I am is where he needs me to be. I'm also learning that it's not always how we handle or react to a certain situation/sin but how we come out of that and how we move forward.

I just feel free and I'm loving just being in love with God. Hopefully that shows a little more and hopefully I continue to grow in the right direction.