A Fault Line A Fault Of Mine

I'm in desperate need of God. Which is such a weird statement because we're all in desperate need of God and because I'm saved, I already have God. I guess the point is I have a desperate desire to be closer still to God. I think we all have various moments at various times where life seems to have lost meaning or purpose or focus or just desire, where we say God my life is stuck in such a rut and I need you so much closer. Because when God is closer, my perspective changes.

One of the most profound statements in the bible for me is when Paul said "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing" in Romans(7:19). He says that is the evil within him that keeps him sinning. I feel like this is true in my life, and I don't use this as an excuse or justification for sinning but as a statement that my I so desperately want to do what is good but I don't. And I'm trying really hard... but I fail. It's so much easier sometimes just to give in and sin.

I'm going to start reading Job. I love Job. Job is my favorite person in the bible. I led a summer bible study on the book of Job. I preached a sermon to junior kids on what we can learn from Job. Job is a complex book of the bible, he was a complex guy. The basics of Job is known. God tells Satan that he can do anything to Job without killing him and Job will not curse God's name. Satan takes the bet and kills all of Job's livestock, children, and stuff. He gives Job a terrible disease and yet despite all of that Job does not curse God. And at the end God blessed Job with all his stuff and more.

But the middle of the book of Job is where the story is. Job's friends show up and plead with him to repent of whatever sin he has committed and Job defends is innocence before God and pleads with God to show him the error in his ways. This happens for days and then God shows up. And Job sees that he is nothing and knows nothing about God and silences himself before the greatness of God. Job states that he is nothing and has already said too much and has nothing more to say. He says "I had heard of you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said and sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance"(Job 42:5-6).

I know nothing of God. What I know is that I keep breaking his heart and yet he will still forgive and love me. I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.