6 or 7 years ago I wrote a song called The Bible of the Coffee Table (Has Never Been Opened). It is probably the best song lyrically I ever wrote and the demo recorded was also probably the best vocal performance I've ever given. I would love to be able to post the song but I do not have the demo to that song anymore. I'm sure my old roommate and an ex-girlfriend both have copies but I do not.
Anyway, I was thinking about this song last night. Because I don't have a copy of the song the lyrics are foggy to me (The music on the other hand I can play perfectly. Go figure) I know the first line of the chorus went, And what if I threw everything away, would still care. The song is about deciding whether or not God is still an important person in ones life. The verses talked about staring at the bible and trying to decide if the fair tale like stories from childhood had any place in our adult life and if the protagonist in song was going to jump in and believe or throw out all that they had believed as a child and youth.
The song was written about what I saw happening to friends of mine. I saw too many people after high school, go to college and if not walk away from their faith, lessen its priority in their life. And it saddened me. To be fair, my life and faith were taking their own struggled walk together and from the point where I wrote this song to about the time I turned 23 or so I fought with the faith and Christianity I grew up in and the kind of life I was discovering through studying the bible and having in conversations with fellow believers.
So what’s the point of this post? I have no idea really. I just start typing and things happen. I guess the statement from the chorus of this song, What if I threw everything away, has been a question I’ve asked myself many times and in a way I feel like it’s a statement come true… In many ways I feel like I’ve thrown everything. For better or for worse the Christianity that I grew up knowing isn’t the Christianity I live in now. And to be honest it was a hard fought battle with myself between trying to live in a way that I had grown up knowing I was supposed to live and living my life how I was living it. It was a struggle and I really hated myself for not being the type of outward Christian that I thought was more… Acceptable? Can one be a Christian and look so different from the churches I had grown up in? Could I have so many different ideas and beliefs? It was a fight I was constantly having with myself.
What changed? God came and healed me in a major way. So major that even as I type I’m tearing up. There are two moments in my life where God has physically touched me. And this is the second. I had the condo to myself and was having an all out fight with God via prayer. I was struggling with my life and things weren’t good and I remember asking God to just help me overcome this constant battle between what I thought being a Christian should look like and how I knew I should be living. And I remember in this moment feeling a physical weight literally being lifted from my shoulders. I felt the burden lifted and God said I didn’t have to worry about trying to look or act out the faith or Christianity I had grown up in. And I fell to the floor laughing and crying… So happy and relieved. In that moment I threw everything away and knew that life could go forward and that my faith in God wasn’t defined by any of these outward things that I had felt for a long time didn’t really matter. It was a beautiful moment.
And that’s why this song is still real to me. That’s why I wish I had a copy. I don’t understand how life goes in so many different directions for so many people and I hate seeing friends who walk away from God or just aren’t as moved by the Gospel as I am. How can people not feel or be moved by something that daily challenges me and moves me in emotional and new ways. How can they throw everything away?
Well this post took an unexpected and super personal turn… If you’re reading this, God Loves You! More then any of us could ever comprehend.
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