That Black Hole Between Here and Heaven

On Monday I started my new life as a stay at home dad.

This is not what I was hoping for. This is not what my wife was hoping for. This is not what hundreds of people having been praying for. But alas, it happened.

Please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I love Emily so much and I love having the ability and opportunity to stay at home with her. Amanda and I are blessed that one of us gets to stay home with her. But I don't want to sugar this...

The miracle we and others were expecting, that God would show up and show off and provide me a job that would cover our expenses and Amanda would get to stay home, like she desires, when that didn't happen, it upset me. I was mad. I was mad at God. If we're being honest, I'm probably still mad at God.

Look, if God never wants to answer another one of my prayers for as long as I live, so be it. God had done so much for me before I was even born and I am already blessed beyond belief. So I'm not mad that my prayers went unanswered.

But seeing the pain that my wife is going through. The hurt of having to leave her baby every day. The stress about interrupting and changing sleep patterns, and milk supply verses Emily's demand and the possibility that she might become reliant on a bottle. To watch my wife struggle and hurt upsets me. It makes me says "Damn it, God! Why?"

This one prayer request. This five year old prayer request. It just seems to hit the ceiling, never making it to God's ear. Or it's getting sucked into a black hole between here and heaven. Those are the only logical explanations, right?

But the Bible is full of moments where the protagonist should jump up and shout "Damn it, God!" Abraham, Joseph (take your pick of moments), Moses, David, even Jesus. Maybe they did have those moments but the writers of their stories knew that having Biblical characters swear wasn't very Christian. Or maybe their resolve was deeper than mine (obviously, Jesus had more faith and resolve than I do). Is my lack of faith, my so easily disappointed nature, keeping me from the blessings of God? Is that where my prayers are being sucked into oblivion?

But Moses had to spend 40 years in the desert, with quite possibly the worst version of a family reunion imaginable, and he never got to enter the promise land. And he died knowing that once in the promised land, the Israelites were going to turn their back on God. Joseph had to do time in prison. And being in charge of prison, while a prisoner, still means you're in prison and so, life is not that great. Jesus died on a cross. So maybe 5 years without a full-time job but always having the funds to pay my bills isn't a situation to really compare myself with Moses, Joseph, or Jesus (again, obviously not really comparing myself with Jesus).

Sometimes life seems unfair, and in this moment, things seem really unfair to my wife. Even though we could both acknowledge the blessings in our life and recognize how lucky we are that one of us gets to be home, it's not the situation that we were hoping for. And we both started fasting on the day she went back to work, so I'm not sure why either of us thought this week was going to be cakewalk.

I said earlier that I was mad at God. That's a tough thing to admit. I didn't really have those words in my head until I verbally found myself blaming God for not changing our situation last week. I still love God. I still believe in God. I still believe that he could intervene in our life and in our situation as I type this. And I still believe that even if he doesn't, he's still good and has a plan.

I think admitting I'm mad, or was mad, and probably will again in the future find myself mad at God is ok. If God's ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine and I can only see through a mirror dimly, then I can't really understand God well enough to get what he's up to most of the time. And in my frustration, I get mad because I don't understand. It's like when I was trying to get Emily to take a bottle at first. It wasn't normal or what she wanted, so she screamed and cried and was super upset and didn't take the bottle. She didn't understand that I had what she wanted all along. And now she knows and understands that the bottle is good and takes it without a problem. And in the same way I get mad and frustrated and cry, and curse at God because I don't understand. All I can do is pray and trust that he does have a plan and is still watching out for us. I have to believe that he still hears. Even when it seems like my prayers are getting sucked into space.