Rain pelts the window like a thousand metronomes clicking out of time with each other. I roll over. The clock reads 4:23 AM. I'm wide awake. Sleep is my enemy tonight.
I leave the room, shutting the door softly so my wife can sleep. I fill up the tea pot and turn the stove top on high. I'm not ready for coffee but tea will keep me company at this early hour. I walk to the record player and put on Brian Eno's "Discreet Music." A light soundtrack that won't wake those still asleep. There's a bible on the coffee table and I open it up to my earliest memory verse.
"The Lord is my shepard. I shall not want...."
More like I shall not need. I have not contented myself in the Lord enough to not want. I have been taken care of and been without need, but want... I still want. My selfishness has not been purged and my heart is nowhere near as grateful as it should be.
I get to the kettle before it's whistle sets off an all too early alarm. I let the bag steep while holding the mug in my hands. The warmth feels good in the quiet hour. I pace slowly back and forth, ignoring the light background soundtrack I have chosen for myself.
I pray...
"God forgive my stubborn, ungrateful heart. Restore my faith. Restore my trust in you. Father purge this bitterness that's taken over. Let your grace wash over me in a fresh way. I'm sorry."
It's simple... But its enough.
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